School Unions Impeached, Removed

blagojevich

“At least they’re not as corrupt as I am” – Rod Blagojevich gives a dramatic last-minute speech defending the unions.

(Guest post by Greg Forster)

WASHINGTON – In an unexpected turn of events, yesterday morning the U.S. House of Representatives voted to impeach the nation’s teacher and school-staff unions. By the end of the day, the U.S. Senate had convicted on all charges, removing the unions from office.

In the bill of impeachment, the unions were charged with the “high crime and misdemeanor” of “destroying the futures of millions of American children in order to keep the gravy trains running on time.”

“Once we all got together and decided to put our selfish desire for re-election aside and make education policy on the merits, the rest was obvious, so we said, ‘Why wait?’ ” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D – Ca.).

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D – Nv.) added that universal vouchers, merit pay, the abolition of tenure, principal control over personnel rules and decisions, and objective evaluation of curricula would all be enacted by the end of the day today.

“They’re all no-brainers,” he said. “We’ve known all along, of course, but at last we can finally say it, and do what’s right for our children.” Pelosi added, “It’s so liberating!”

The sudden change is sending shockwaves through the education policy world.

“What are we going to do with ourselves now?” asked Robert Enlow, president of the Friedman Foundation for Educational Choice, at a press conference. “The battle’s over. I’ve just gotten word from the board that me and all my staff are fired. And nobody can get jobs in this economy.”

“I hear Wal-Mart is hiring,” said noted researcher Jay Greene at the same conference.

Congressional leaders attributed the change of direction to the accumulated power of the idealistic rhetoric of recently-inaugurated President Barack Obama.

“We’ve just heard so much about setting aside partisanship and doing the right thing for so long,” said Pelosi. “Two years of constant bombardment finally broke through our cynical shells. We all just cracked.”

The president was quick to issue a statement on the unions’ removal.

“I am committed to schools,” he announced. “We all must be committed to schools. We must hope for change without changing our hopes. We must bridge the divides without dividing the bridges.”

“Yes, we can!” the president added.

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