The New SAT

The new SAT will be like totally awesome.  As David Coleman, that righteous dude who was Gates’ majordomo for writing Common Core and now re-writing the SAT, said, the old SAT had “become disconnected from the work of our high schools.”  Yeah, it had a bunch of bogus vocab words that only brainiacs use in literature, poetry, and other useless stuff.  

No man, the new SAT will test for words people really use when they are all-like career and college ready,  like “drill-down” and “synergy.”  As that excellent SAT company says “the SAT will focus on words that students will use consistently in college and beyond.”  Yeah, like “bong” and “extended unemployment benefits.”

And the new SAT will be all equal and stuff.  It’s no fair when people get an edge cuz they know more things.  We can’t have that.  So the new math test won’t have no pre-calculus stuff that nobody but some foreign kids know how to do anymore.  Don’t we have computers for that stuff?  The new test will just cover “linear equations, functions, and proportions,” man.  Maybe I can get extra points for writing a little note on the math problems about how they make me feel.

And there’s no penalty for guessing anymore, so I finally have a chance.  Totally excellent!

(edited to add typos)

UPDATE — Cora Frazer at The New Yorker has found some of the items from the new SAT.  Here’s a taste:

2. Student-produced-response math. According to an electronic sign in the subway, an uptown 2 train is arriving in 3 minutes. You lose a game of Tetris on your phone and see that 4 minutes have gone by, at least. The electronic sign says that a 3 train is arriving in 0 minutes. 0 minutes go by. Do you just say fuck it and walk from Barclays?

10. Short-response logic. If you wear your high-heeled boots, you will be as tall as or taller than your date. But, if you don’t wear your high-heeled boots, you will feel less cool. Should you stay at home and watch anything featuring Connie Britton?

11. Improving sentences. You receive the following text message: “You’re an animal.” This is an autocorrection of:

(a) “You’re almost at Ludlow.”

(b) “Young Leo DiCaprio.”

(c) “Do we need eggs?”

(d) No autocorrection.

12. Optional-essay response. Choose one of the following writing prompts and respond in essay form, drawing on what you have read, your observations, and your experiences.

• Write a letter to your building’s superintendent explaining that although it was you who left the roof entrance open the other night, because you wanted to show that “you’re not old yet!,” you are nevertheless a responsible tenant who puts the recycling in the right bins, unless the bins are empty and it’s unclear which is which.

• Write a controlled yet scathing Yelp review that conveys just how profoundly wrong your waiter was to refer to you and your friends as an “especially large” party, causing this waiter deep moral shame and personal fear.

• Write for as long as you can, in as many words as you can, in the space provided.

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13 Responses to The New SAT

  1. Zeev Wurman says:

    Awesome, dude!

  2. Greg Forster says:

    Another JPGB first – the first blog post on the web ever edited to *add* typos. Just like the College Board, we’re pushing the frontiers of incompetence ever outward!

  3. Bob Holland says:

    like totally radical, dude!

  4. […] The New SAT will be “like totally awesome,” dude, predicts Jay P. Greene. No more “bogus vocab words that only brainiacs use in literature, poetry, and other useless stuff. […]

  5. Briana LeClaire says:

    I took a sip of coffee just before reading the word “bong” and was wearing a silk blouse. Please expect my dry cleaning bill in the mail.

  6. jean sanders says:

    a critique of the style: when you try to force “hipness” with “cutesy” language it immediately negates hipness…. and your important points get lost in the junk and trash talk

  7. This was great. Grumpy Jean, we like cute when this CC crap makes us want to cry.

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