Sun Devils Crushed by Number Six Finish in Playboy Party Rankings

(Guest Post by Matthew Ladner)

It was bad enough when Arizona scored second to the bottom in the K-12 Race to the Top competition, but Arizona State University officials and students reacted with dismay, shock and outrage as Playboy Magazine named another university “Top Party School.”  The University of Texas at Austin took first place, and ASU placed a shocking sixth place.

“I’m stunned…I really just don’t know what to say,” stated Justin Bongwater, an ASU 8th year sophomore. “I mean sixth place? SIXTH *#@&*!@# PLACE?!? Dude, that just can’t be right. We threw everything we had into this ranking! EVERYTHING!!!! Rock bottom admission standards! Embarrassingly low graduation rates! Hell, the mayor of Tempe bragged that we have the highest beer consumption rates in the world!  A MAYOR said that dude! If the government said it, it has to be true!”

Campus officials promised to redouble their efforts by expanding recruiting among students from the Midwest who like beer, sunshine and universities that do not require the SAT exam. Privately, they admitted that they thought that last year’s Daily Show video should have sealed the competition, and that it may have caused some complacency on campus. “When you get called the ‘Harvard of Date Rape’ you might tend to coast a bit,” a highly placed source explained.

University of Texas roving ambassador Matthew McConaughey will accept the award in a public ceremony at the Playboy Mansion in Beverly Hills Friday night.

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8 Responses to Sun Devils Crushed by Number Six Finish in Playboy Party Rankings

  1. jay greene says:

    Striving for excellence in all things… or something… maybe anything.

  2. Maximus says:

    This was 23 years in the making.
    I think it will eventually be discovered that “Uncle’s Beer Order” list, posted on the door of W1218 each Friday in the mid 80s, was the keystone to this triumph.

  3. Patrick says:

    It could be worse, you could be UNLV with its 14% 4 year graduation rate.

  4. matthewladner says:

    True, but any kid who can go to college in Vegas and graduate in 4 years has earned my respect. The few…the proud…the UNLV grad!

  5. Minnesota Kid says:

    Wait a minute, wasn’t Jay Greene on the faculty at the University of Texas-Austin previously? You mean they achieved a first-place ranking even without him? That’s mindboggling.

  6. matthewladner says:

    The ability of casual Longhorn student to survive Government class went up with Jay’s departure, so Jay deserves a drink from the cup of victory!

  7. jaholio says:

    I for one sought excellence in all things…

    (relating to beer)

  8. Daniel Earley says:

    Once again, my lobbying efforts for counting root beer at BYU have been in vain. This thing is rigged.

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